Sunday, March 6, 2011

Ranch Wife's Lament

My friend Karen told me she saw five robins yesterday, and it scared me to death. First of all, those robins had better find a campfire to huddle around since it is going to get below zero again tonight, and secondly that means that spring is on its way. If spring is coming, it means coverall season is almost over, which means tragically that bulky sweater season is almost over. If you cannot follow this line of reasoning, then you aren't one of those people that gains weight every winter!
The best part about winter clothes is that they hide weight--at least psychologically. Coveralls are lifesavers. Everybody looks 20 pounds heavier in them, so no one has to feel self-conscious wearing them. You can wear sweat pants in them and be really comfortable. Then the day of reckoning comes. The robins come, officially announcing spring, and you find that you have to lie down to get your jeans zipped.
Several years ago, I received one of those human hot walkers for Christmas. I am sure you cannot guess what tactful person I am chained (otherwise referred to as loved, honored, and cherished) to till death do us part gave it to me! It provides a zero impact aerobic workout--especially when used as a giant clothes rack. Every once in awhile, following a brisk sit, I will take it for a spin, because it cost one whole cull cow. I am trying to sell it now, because at my new office, I have a whole room full of exercise equipment/clothes racks. Strangely, there does not seem to be much of a market for gently used exercise equipment even with coverall season drawing to an end.
Since it appears that I won't be cashing in on my Nordic Trac, I have come up with another entrepreneurial idea. ("Entrepreneur" is defined as a crazy ranch woman who constantly thinks of money-making schemes to diversify the ranch income that involve sleepless nights, grueling work, and investment capital--all on the part of the entrepreneur's relatives and close friends.) My idea is. . . designer coveralls for all seasons!
Our motto won't be something meaningless like Nike's "Just Do It!" It will be, "Why fight the battle of the bulge when you can disguise it?" Our refers to the people who sew in my family and circle of friends. I never mastered sewing--only seam ripping, but I have a lot of knowledge of fashion design. You see, thirty years ago this spring I graduated from Montana State University with a minor in Home Economics Education. The people in my immediate family insist that endorsement must have been a clerical error when I do something like burn the garlic bread.
Nevertheless, I did take Home Economics 226: Fashion Design where I learned the principles of design from Dr. IForgothername. (Give me a break--it has been thirty years!) Dr. IForgothername said repeatedly, "Nature clothed the elephant in gray," so we will need a lot of lightweight gray fabric.
I remember many other design principles that my mentor, Dr. IForgothername, insisted upon. We will incorporate all of these into our coverall line. They are V-necklines, high waistlines, princess seams, no rear pockets, vertical stripes, narrow non-contrasting belts, 3/4 length sleeves, shoulder pads (they WILL come back after my line debuts), and monochromatic dark and/or gray fabrics without texture.
We will also offer a full line of accessories like summer-weight barn coats, spike-heeled irrigating boots, and ultra heavy duty Spandex foundation garments. On the label, we'll explain how to launder the coveralls so they don't shrink, and we will print the following tips: #1. Try to stand sideways to everyone. #2. Always try to be seen with someone larger than yourself.
I sure hope these coveralls sell, because I am running out of room on my exercise equipment to hang all of them!

Note: This ranch wife’s lament was written by Susan Metcalf of the Lower Deer Creek Ranch and it was featured in the Western Ag Reporter on March 6, 2011 I did indeed tell her about the robins and that is what triggered her panic. And I’ve placed an order for some of those designer spike-heeled irrigating boots…I know they will come in handy making me appear taller in my designer coveralls.